© Christina Hadfield
JUNIOR YEAR
“See, it looks a bit like a dinosaur, if you squint,” Tess stated, showing Dr. Marlow the scar on her arm as they walked from class back to the professor’s office. “I’m thinking someday I’ll get it tattooed, so that way instead of me just saying it kind of looks like a dinosaur if you squint, I can just show them the outline of a dinosaur.”
“I, personally, think it’s a great idea,” Kai declared.
“Wait, were you the person who exploded the beaker in orgo lab?” one of the new sophomore TA’s questioned. “We heard about that in intro chem.”
“Yeah, we were being stupid the last lab of the year,” Kai admitted. “We took some HCl from the group next to us because we didn’t want to go measure out more but turns out something was contaminated.”
“Didn’t Dr. Morgan come down?” the other new sophomore TA commented.
“Yeah, she was the only one around,” Kai answered.
“That’s terrifying,” the one sophomore muttered. “She scares the daylights out of me. Did she chew your head off? Threaten to expel you for your poor behavior?”
“That happened to someone in our class,” the other sophomore stated. “Someone accidently spilled something, and then they just left school.”
The TA team, along with both Dr. Kemper and Dr. Marlow, were tracking up the stairs. They had a meeting on the second floor of the biology building, but they were stopping by Dr. Kemper’s lab first, as she had locked their backpacks in there before class just so they wouldn’t have to lug everything around. They came out on the second floor, waiting in the hall as Dr. Kemper unlocked her door.
“Oh, yikes,” one of the sophomore’s muttered out, suddenly tumbling back towards the stairs.
“It’s Dr. Morgan!” the other sophomore squealed, darting away as well.
Kai purposefully didn’t make eye contact, pushing into Dr. Kemper’s lab as she opened the door.
Dr. Marlow headed towards the meeting room, towards Dr. Morgan. When they passed in the hall, Dr. Marlow stated, “Good morning, Dr. Morgan.” The woman, of course, only scowled.
“Dr. Marlow,” she acknowledged, though she was glowering.
Once the two women passed, it was just Dr. Morgan, stalking down the hallway, and Tess, standing just outside the open door to Dr. Kemper’s lab. The girl looked up, gave a shy smile, and reached up, waving.
“Hello, Dr. Morgan,” she stated.
Dr. Morgan froze, just a few steps from Tess. She stared at the girl, her scowl slowly lessening. She opened her mouth, perhaps to say something nice, but then she noticed the two sophomores cowering back by the stairs, and the scowl was back.
“What are you gawking at?” Dr. Morgan snapped. “Learn some manners this year, why don’t you.” Then she shoved past Tess rather harshly, past the two shaking sophomores, and disappeared down another hall.
Tess just smirked.
“Are you crazy!?” the one sophomore gasped. “You said hi to her! She nearly ate your head off!”
Tess shook her head. “I’m not afraid of her,” she replied, heading into Dr. Kemper’s lab. She picked up her things, turned to listen to what Kai was saying, and she failed to notice the odd way in which Dr. Kemper was staring at her.
“I’m telling you, there’s something going on between them.”
Dr. Marlow sighed exasperatedly. “Tell me again what happened, slowly.”
“You were there!”
“Yes, but I failed to notice this thing that you keep going on about, so please, enlightening me.”
“Okay,” Dr. Kemper stated. “All the TA’s and we had just come up to my lab when Dr. Morgan came down the hall. The sophomores ran back towards the stairs and Kai shoved into my lab to hide—pretty typical student behavior around Dr. Morgan. You said hi to her because you’re suicidal—”
“I’m nice,” Dr. Marlow defended.
“Yes, and we all love you because of it. The point is, however, that Tess, unlike all the other students, actually said hi to Margaret as well.”
“Well Tess is also nice,” Dr. Marlow pointed out.
“There was no hesitation though, not as if her comment were an afterthought. She was very immediate with it, and Margaret… she didn’t lash back at Tess. Their interaction was something I’ve never seen between Dr. Morgan and another person in all the years I’ve known her.”
“I still think you’re seeing something that doesn’t exist. Tess isn’t even taking any classes with Dr. Morgan, hasn’t taken any classes with her, and the intro chem lab doesn’t count because Margaret’s never around in class. When could the two of them have built up any sort of something, if they never interact?”
“Well but then, they know each other,” Dr. Kemper stated. “The was a definite familiarity to the way Tess addressed her.”
“Again, I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Tess knows who Dr. Morgan is, of course, but was there anything more said between them that would imply a deeper relationship?” Dr. Kemper’s silence answered her question. “Of course, there wasn’t. Tess just isn’t likely someone to buy into all the rumors. You know even last year she was quick to defend Margaret, even when there was no reason to. She’s just nice like that.”
“I guess, perhaps,” Dr. Kemper admitted. “But I still think there might be some merit to my observations.”
Just then, Dr. Morgan herself entered the boardroom, the collective body meeting for their co-department meeting over bio-chem. It seemed as if she had a rain cloud over her head—a stormy one—which cracked and thundered over her. She was radiating displeasure, angry, and everyone knew it was going to be a painfully horrid meeting. Dr. Morgan, ignoring everyone already gathered in the space, went over to the coffee pot and poured herself a glass.
Dr. Marlow elbowed Dr. Kemper. “You could ask her if you’re so inclined,” the woman practically chuckled. However, considering how close they were, she should have known better than to temp Dr. Kemper.
“Good afternoon, Margaret,” Dr. Kemper called out, waving the woman over.
Dr. Morgan eyed the two women skeptically, though she flowed towards them, sitting down beside Dr. Kemper. “What do you want?” she practically snapped.
Dr. Kemper pretended to be unaffected by the harshness of her words. “We were just talking about our TA team this year. Have you given anymore thought to having TA’s in the bio-chem department?”
“Of course, for lab. You can’t expect a lab to run smoothly with only one professor, not that I’d expect either of you to know.”
Dr. Marlow ground her teeth together.
“I meant in class, of course,” Dr. Kemper continued flawlessly. “We published a paper last semester over the benefits of TA’s in class. You should really take a look at it. You know, modern pedagogy is just as important in universities as is the scientific research being done. We are, after all, an institution meant for teaching.”
“I find your use of undergrads as TA’s to be a waste of time,” Dr. Morgan snarled out. She turned slightly away from them, sipping at her drink.
“They’re anything but, actually,” Dr. Kemper replied. “They are amazing helpers, and the students love having someone so close in age. We work with grad students too, of course, and we love them dearly, but there’s something much different about having a team of undergrads. They’re all extremely passionate and bright. Kai comes in nearly every day with some new grand scheme on how she’d improve campus life and heck, the world! And Tess, oh, she’s really something else. She’s extremely bright and wonderfully curious, never mind her ability to light up a room. She’s terribly bright and well… I can’t help but think she’s a bit enamored by you.”
Dr. Morgan inhaled her coffee, hacking aggressively. She sat her drink down, trying to compose herself and ward off the looks she was getting from around the table.
“What did you just say?” she snarled once she was able to suck in air again.
“Tess, she talks about you a lot,” Dr. Kemper continued dismissively. “Do you know her? Tess Stanford? I don’t think she’s taken a class with you.”
“Of course I know Miss Stanford,” Dr. Morgan stated. “She’s the absolute worst student at this institution.”
“How dare you!?” Dr. Marlow suddenly snapped. “Tess is a brilliant and bright young woman. She’s done marvelous work in all her classes, always going above and beyond, and—”
Dr. Morgan held up her hand, silencing the other woman. “I never said she was dumber than nails,” Dr. Morgan near hissed. “I merely meant she has no sense of place, no respect for her superiors, and is, without a doubt, the biggest headache in my daily life. Do me a favor and give her extra work this year. Maybe then she won’t find herself in my office every week.”
The chair arrived then, already launching into their agenda for the day’s meeting. Dr. Kemper leaned back, however, and shot Dr. Marlow a smug grin. Dr. Marlow shook her head slightly, though she had to admit that she was also curious what was brewing between their TA and the bio-chem devil.
Tess turned and looked over at the girl lying beside her, fast asleep, entirely content, unlike Tess. She was… nice, Tess tried to reason. She was an art student, spent her time always sketching and painting, dreamed of having a loft studio space in New York. She liked animals, specifically cats, which Tess also loved. They had a very pleasant evening dinner. Tess paid, not that she was complaining. Whenever she really truly liked a girl, she’d pay without fuss, and she did find that she liked the girl. They laughed, found they had several mutual interests, and ended up back at the girl’s apartment.
The sex was fine. It wasn’t anything to write home about, but then again, Tess found the first time with anyone was never the best. It took a little bit of time to learn another person, no matter how much experience a person had. By all intents and purposes, it was a great first date, one that would, under most circumstances, warrant a second date. But she wasn’t what Tess wanted.
That was the problem: what Tess wanted. Since going to college, Tess had ample dates with amazing girls. Some worked out decently enough to label the relationship for a few months, others were better left after a couple dates, some would be categorized as flings. It was all fun, Tess always had a good time, but as the days ticked by, Tess realized with growing annoyance that none of it was what she wanted.
Slowly, Tess untangled herself from the bed covers, reaching over to grab her clothes. She dressed, watching the girl’s steady breathing, careful to avoid making any noise. She’d send her a text in the morning, never one for ghosting, hated being ghosted herself. But it wasn’t going to work. Tess couldn’t find it in her heart to string the girl along when she knew, from the start, she could never be fully invested.
It was only around midnight when Tess returned to her apartment. She had a new roommate—Elle—who she knew since freshmen year and they had grown to a type of steady friendship over the past years. She would have gotten an apartment with Kai, but Kai had a complicated life and an RA position, and they figured they worked better as friends not living together. However, Kai and Elle were decently close, and when Tess unlocked her door, she found the both of them sitting in the living room playing video games.
“Oh, back so soon?” Elle commented offhandedly. “I thought you were dying to get laid.”
“I was, and I did,” Tess answered, stopping by the fridge for a drink.
“Was it… bad?” Kai questioned skeptically.
“It was fine,” Tess replied. “It wasn’t going to work out though, not long term, so I just left afterwards.”
“Gotchu.”
Tess stood off to the side, watching her friends battle it out in a racing game. She stayed long enough to know Elle was triumphant, at least that round, but then Tess slipped off to her room. She lied down in bed, staring up the ceiling. She was… discontent.
She thought about when she was kissing that girl, when she was running her hands through the girl’s blonde hair, wishing it was brunette, and how she licked along her jaw, wishing it was sharper. She thought about how her name tumbled from the girl’s lips, how she wished the voice was deeper, rougher. The girl was too nice, she wanted some sass, a sarcastic remark, even a lighthearted insult maybe. She thought about running her hands over the girl’s soft curves, wishing she was an entirely different person all together… wishing she was older, a doctor, who Tess could bury her face against and whimper out, “Margaret… oh Margaret.”
Tess swallowed hard. It was dangerous, horribly dangerous, what she was thinking and feeling, but that almost made her want it more. But there was a thread of self-preservation in Tess, one that would make her much rather avoid the woman and get over this affixation rather than travel down a dangerous path of rejection, ridicule, and pain.
Dr. Morgan tapped her pen against her desk impatiently. She glanced to the clock. It was past seven, past class times, and it was, most certainly, the start to another weekend. She tapped her foot. Two weeks… two whole weeks. It had been two full weeks into the semester and Tess hadn’t stopped by her office once.
Not that she cared! Because she didn’t. Dr. Kemper and Dr. Marlow probably took her words to heart and gave Tess more work. It would do the girl well to have more to focus on, less time just sitting around twiddling her thumbs, less time barging in unannounced and being distracting. That was better for everyone involved, most definitely.
The start to summer was an odd adjustment for Dr. Morgan as well. She found she almost instantly missed the weekly interruptions. They were annoying, in the moment, just a little bit, but reflecting back, they weren’t so bad. They were a change to her routine, one she couldn’t predict so easily, and they brought her some contentedness. When her graduate students were being particularly dumb, or when the other biology faculty was exceptionally nerve grating, Tess was just… nice to have around. She wouldn’t just cower away, wouldn’t just bark out apologies and excuses, she meant what she said, and she did what she meant, and Dr. Morgan rather liked her for that.
She didn’t see Tess at all over summer, so she figured the girl must have returned home, possibly out of town, and wasn’t on campus taking any summer classes. Not that Tess told her any of that, because they didn’t talk, not about such personal things. Dr. Morgan was glad for that. She was never good at talking about her feelings, or her personal life, for that matter. She always managed to ruin relationships by talking, and she found she didn’t really want to mess up whatever it was that she and Tess had. They didn’t have anything worthy of a label, not at all, and Dr. Morgan would never gift the girl something so marvelous as calling her a… a friend! They weren’t friends, anyway, that was preposterous to even think.
Tess did tell her, the last week of school, to have a good summer. Dr. Morgan should have realized that was a goodbye. She wouldn’t even admit that she spent so much time toiling over those words, would never admit that they affected her so much. She worried now, especially, that maybe Tess meant that as a goodbye forever. Maybe she lost out on her chance before she even knew she had a chance. A chance for what though, that was the question.
When she saw Tess the first day of the new school year, she realized just how much she’d missed her. She saw her standing there, with her wavy golden hair and her sun-kissed skin, with her bright shining eyes and her signature smirk, and Dr. Morgan felt her stomach bottom out. She nearly let her guard down, nearly let everything slip away in favor of telling Tess everything, but then those obnoxious sophomores were cowering back by the stairs and she knew she couldn’t let her guard down, couldn’t be vulnerable in the halls of the biology building where she was foe, not friend. But in the safety of her own office, she couldn’t help but wait, excitedly, for when Tess would grace her with her presence.
And she never did.
Dr. Morgan tried to act like it didn’t bother her so much, tried to pretend like she was glad Tess was done with her, finally got it into her big dense head that Dr. Morgan didn’t like company, didn’t like friends, and certainly didn’t want an undergrad clinging to her.
She needed to get some work done, needing to stop thinking about Tess. She sent a few documents to the printer, then trailed out of her office. The biology building was usually desolate after five on Fridays, so she was quite surprised to hear laughter trailing down the halls. She tried to ignore it, retrieved her papers from the printer and turned to go back to her office. She stopped though, and then figured she should, in the very least, go tell them to be quiet. She was, after all, trying to get some work done.
She followed the sound to the board room. She noted first—through the window beside the door—that Dr. Kemper was inside with a couple of her own graduate students, laughing away. Figures they’d be carrying on with such merriment instead of getting home on a Friday. If only Dr. Kemper had younger kids she needed to pick up from school, like Dr. Marlow.
Feeling her temper rising, not so much at them, but envious they could have fun and laugh so freely, Dr. Morgan shoved open the door.
“Some of us are trying to work in this building,” she snapped, “which is most impossible with the way you lot are carrying on!”
Dr. Kemper sucked in a breath, trying to still her laughter, and she muttered out a, “Hello to you too, Dr. Morgan.”
Her tone caused another in the room to giggle, though they tried to contain it, and their sound drew Dr. Morgan to the side of the table where she noted hotly there were two undergraduates… two undergraduates she recognized. There was Tess, who made the woman’s mouth go dry and she absolutely despised it, and then Tess’s friend—what was her name, yes—Kai, who was the one trying to suppress her giggling fit.
Before anything else could be said, Tess gasped out, “Dr. Morgan, you cut your hair!”
Instinctively, almost subconsciously, Dr. Morgan reached up and touched her hair, fighting to still the way Tess’s words made her face heat up. Her hair was getting too unruly, and not having time for routine hair appointments, Dr. Morgan chose to simply lob it off at her shoulders. She wasn’t sure short hair suited her, was a bit annoyed she couldn’t easily put it up in a high bun anymore, but the way Tess was looking at her made her second guess everything she felt.
No one else had said anything to her about her hair, hadn’t even acknowledged the change. She chalked it up to cowards, not that she was looking for complements anyway, and figured that when people kept their eyes averted from her, they weren’t in a position to notice such things. And, they also wouldn’t care. Why would they when Dr. Morgan made it very apparent that she didn’t want them commenting such things to her?
So why then, did she feel like she was dying, when Tess smiled kindly at her and stated, “I really like it. I think it suits you well.”
“And did I ask?” Dr. Morgan barked out defensively. She felt wobbly, like she wasn’t in control, and she hated it. She turned to Kai, who was still doing a poor job in maintaining her composure, and snapped, “Get ahold of yourself for god’s sake and stop wheezing like a dying dog!” Then, she retreated from the doorway, shouting quite harshly, “Keep the noise down.”
Once Dr. Morgan slammed the door behind her, Tess looked down at her lap, fighting to remain collected. She hadn’t expected Dr. Morgan’s hair cut to affect her so much, but the woman looked infinitely more gorgeous with her short bob. Tess clenched her hands. What she wouldn’t give to run her fingers through that hair, to grab a fist full and pull, arching the woman’s head back, exposing her flawless neck, and—
“I’ve never seen her so at a loss for words before!” Kai practically squealed beside Tess. “Sure, she yelled at us, but Tess! Who would have thought a simple compliment would send her into such a state!”
“Was she… blushing?” one of the graduate students chuckled with disbelief.
Tess looked up at the lights on the ceiling. She knew her pupils were blown, not that she thought anyone else would notice or comment, but she had to compose herself.
“You’ve got some balls complimenting her like that.”
Tess looked across the table and gave a slight shrug. “I wasn’t thinking,” she admitted, because she hadn’t been. The hair cut—and her reaction to it—surprised her just as much as her comment had surprised Dr. Morgan. “I just thought it looked nice and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.”
“It does suit her,” Dr. Kemper agreed. “She looks like an actual woman now as opposed to the drill sergeant getup with that tight bun she always wore.”
“Maybe she’ll be nicer now that her hair isn’t always pulled up so tight,” Kai commented. “Release some tension, you know.”
Tess shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Yes… release some tension. She stood somewhat suddenly, forcing out a laugh, and muttered, “I’m going to grab a drink. I’ll be right back.”
She didn’t wait around for anyone to question her, and she certainly didn’t look back to notice how Dr. Kemper seemed to question her so, or how Kai was smirking at her all knowingly. Instead, Tess just slipped out of the board room and meandered down the hall, her heart hammering in her chest.
She stopped outside of Dr. Morgan’s office door. She had done so well not bothering the woman, not invading her space and getting closer, impossible closer, for two entire weeks! She shouldn’t break her good habit. But the woman’s blush, her reaction to Tess’s compliment… Slowly, Tess shoved open the door.
Dr. Morgan looked up at Tess. Tess noted how the woman was breathing heavy, still, in much the same way Tess was, and she was absently playing with her hair, nothing on her desk that she was currently working on. When she saw Tess, she released her hair like it was hot.
“What do you want?” Dr. Morgan snapped. “Come to tell me what a bitch I am? How rude I was to come interrupt your fun little party?”
Tess’s eyebrows bent slightly, and she shook her head. “No,” she answered, far softer than Dr. Morgan. “I just… I came to ask how your summer was.” When she said this, Tess pushed further into the office. She kicked the door shut behind her, not that it really mattered, and she went over and sat on the couch.
“As if you care,” Dr. Morgan scoffed.
“I do care,” Tess answered almost instantly.
Dr. Morgan spun to face her, a fury in her eyes Tess hadn’t witnessed since her freshmen year. “Lies,” the woman accused. “You come here pretending that you care, only because I interrupted you. It’s not like we’re friends. It’s not like you ever want to talk to me. You don’t care.”
“You’re upset because I never came to your office the first two weeks of school,” Tess declared rather boldly. She could see the flicker of pain cross Dr. Morgan’s eyes. She knew she was right. She was really starting to figure the woman out, but she never really dreamed Dr. Morgan would miss her.
“Get out of my office, I have work to do,” Dr. Morgan grumbled, turning away, but her bite was gone. She didn’t really want Tess to leave, and Tess was rather positive of that.
“I do really like your haircut,” Tess continued, “a lot, actually. And I did think about barging into your office, almost every day I contemplated it, but well, I… I wasn’t sure you wanted me around.”
“I don’t.”
Tess stared at the back of Dr. Morgan’s head. The bite was entirely gone. There was no distaste, or anger, or anything emanating from the woman. And the banter, Tess found she had missed it far more than she realized, missed the woman before her.
“I worked at a grocery store over summer,” Tess stated. “My brother, he’s in high school, he worked at a rival grocery store across the street, and we acted like we were enemies in a war, always competing with our work stories. He’s a better bagger than I am, but I think I have better customer service skills. We decided it was a tie.”
Tess paused, waiting to see if Dr. Morgan would contribute anything. When she said nothing, Tess continued.
“I went to the lake a lot this summer. That’s why I’m so tan. My aunt has a lake house and my friend’s grandparents have a lake house and several boats. I went with my friends a couple of times and a few times with my cousins. I like water sports, active sports in general.”
After a beat of silence, Dr. Morgan offered, almost bashfully, “I published a paper this summer.” She turned towards Tess shyly and Tess beamed.
“I saw,” the girl answered. “I also saw that drug you developed got approved for clinical testing.”
“Were you… keeping tabs on me?” Dr. Morgan questioned, a hint of ice to her words.
Tess shrugged, but the truth was that she had been. She spent most of her summer thinking about the mysterious beauty who graced the bio and chem buildings of her college campus. She also spent a lot of time thinking about Dr. Morgan’s concern every time she glanced down and saw the scar on her arm.
“My arm healed nicely,” Tess stated, holding out her arm.
Dr. Morgan strained her eyes, but it was clear to the both of them she couldn’t see from how far away she sat. Tess just held out her arm, hovering in the air, until finally Dr. Morgan was roused from her seat. She took two quick steps forward, taking Tess’s arm in her hand, and she jerked it this way and that, looking at the scar. It was barely noticeable, unless you knew to look for it.
“You could have lost your arm,” Dr. Morgan stated harshly. “Or lost something worst, with the explosion you caused.”
“The hood saved me,” Tess answered. Dr. Morgan squeezed her arm harshly, then shoved it away.
“You’re a reckless fool,” she growled.
“You were worried about me,” Tess replied, “are worried about me, maybe.”
“I thought you were always the one saying that deep down I just must care about my students,” Dr. Morgan stated skeptically.
Tess pulled her feet up to her chest and she reached over, patting the space on the couch beside her. Dr. Morgan eyed the girl suspiciously, so that Tess laughed softly.
“Sit with me?” Tess asked. “I… I missed you.”
“Absurd,” Dr. Morgan answered instantly.
Tess dipped her head. “I did, and I do.”
“Fine,” Dr. Morgan gave in, with less protest than Tess was expecting. The woman moved and sat beside her, tense and uncomfortable. “This doesn’t mean I like you or want you here, however,” she then grumbled as an afterthought.
“No, of course not,” Tess smirked.
Dr. Morgan’s heart hammered in her chest. That smirk… that blasted smirk on that girl’s blasted face. Then, Tess reached out and shoved against the woman, hoping to get her to relax a bit. “What else did you do this summer?” Tess asked.
“I worked.”
“Didn’t you do anything fun? And off campus, I do mean.”
“I don’t do fun things, Miss Stanford.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe what you want,” Dr. Morgan answered. Then, after a minute she asked, “Did… did you do anything else over break?”
Tess smiled, and her heart nearly stopped entirely when Dr. Morgan cracked a half smile in return. Excitedly, Tess hurried on, telling Dr. Morgan anything she could think to tell the woman, just glad she was being amenable to conversation, Kai and Dr. Kemper completely forgotten in the room down the hall.
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